Still alive, toughly moving on………

It’s already 2.5 weeks….. Emotionally still the same. Trying very hard to be alone, trying hard not to think about it, trying to keep myself busy. Past is the past, but how can I forget the unhappy past. I really wish those unhappy memories has never happen. My heart ache whenever I’m alone, whenever I thought of those unhappy past & the breakup. Have I not done enough in the past? Maybe because I’m not good enough that is why all these happen. Frankly, I don’t blame anyone but myself. Everything seems to be my mistake. Maybe I shouldn’t be with her, maybe I shouldn’t give chance again & again, maybe I shouldn’t have know the truth, maybe……. I used to trust “LOVE”, and look forward for love that is everlasting, though I don’t believe it exist, but I am willing to try. Now, I started to have fear & reserve for relationship. I used to be very positive, chatty and humorous, but now, I hardly talk or joke. I keep things to myself. The only person I can trust is myself. How long can this last??? I’m afraid I will lost my mind sooner or later if this continue. Sleep is another tough thing for me to handle now. My energy is running low, can’t sleep well, yet can’t wake up on time. My life is upside down. Maybe I have not been single for such long period for the past 15 years, and I can’t get used to sleep alone, yet I don’t want to have another person by my side. CONTRADICTING!!!! Ai… it is time to try to sleep again……